I’m not sure I’m gonna publish this one, but if you’re reading this and you aren’t me, then you know what I decided to do with it.
I haven’t written like this in a while. I write all the time but nothing that’s meant to be written for the sake of my words to be someone else’s focus, to be focused on for the enjoyment of words dancing in the reader’s mind,. These days when I write it’s usually a journal entry – that’s for me. Or to explain some concept, or give advice – that’s usually for the client at my j-o-b. Or to support an image I post on Instagram, that’s for the understanding of why I posted the picture.
This morning I got out of bed completely unexcited about the day ahead. I felt not one ounce of enthusiasm for a day that would be a fraction of a career I put my all into, a career I’m still committed to. I had to accept that, despite my commitment to my career, the way I’m carrying it out is not conducive to my joy. That’s it.
During the day I had a conversation with a colleague about a time five years ago, where I made a decision about my career only intending for that decision to support my joy as much as possible. And the result of the decision led to more joy that I would’ve expected from my job at the time. That joyful period’s over, and I’m so grateful that I had it. And talking to my colleague about it reminded me that my intention to be as joyful as possible in my career guided me right where I needed and most wanted to be.
I needed this conversation with my colleague today.
That decision too was not exactly conventional in my workplace. It was so not conventional that a colleague, the last person anyone would expect to berate anyone (he’s so gentle, and kind!), berated me for the decision. In effect, he asked me, “how dare you, Patricia, make a decision that goes against what other people would expect or do in your situation?”
I remembered the feeling I had during this beratement as I told my colleague the story today. The feeling I had was assurance; I listened to him and felt like I made the right decision.
And that brings me to me and my laptop in my lap as I write all this out. In between the conversation with my colleague today and considering my career past, it hit me that I could again redirect my career trajectory to “joy” by making some decisions about my life-at-large, with the intention to cultivate joy in all parts of my life, not just my career. But this time, instead of there just being a “time” for joy, to make it everlasting.
And so I write, and really really really really want to write like this on a regular basis, because writing has ALWAYS been my joy. It is the first thing I can remember doing and feeling “joy” therefrom. It’s the first thing I crave doing when I want to create.
How dare I? How dare I not go to my default joy-inducer when I want my life to be joyful?
Also, in the midst of all this thought it hit me that I need to eat more vegetables and sleep more. Because without “enough” of both I’m malnourished and if I’m malnourished in my body I can’t nourish the other parts of my life, let alone be joyful in them. And I haven’t had enough of either in a minute.
And I feel like being well-nourished might make me a better writer, and being a better writer might nourish other parts of my life.