Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Unsplash
Would it be wrong of me to stop actively pursuing a date, or romance, or
anything in the world of someone trying to get in my proverbial pants
(up my skirt or dress, really, as I rarely wear pants)
To stop with the dating apps and the story of a single-girl-in-the-city-
trying-to-be married-and-a-mom
Until I have some modicum of heart-healing?
I used to think might’ve been born heartbroken.
But then I learned a few years ago that when my parents came together and conceived me they were in love.
I presume out of love came a whole loving being.
But then love does beget heartbreak, right?
Or is that just a story we like to tell?
Unfortunately for me, the version of my parents’ relationship I know the best
is the one where they tore away from one another.
Their tearing away from one another is the root of my tears.
What do you say to a woman who’s been love-sick since she was six?
I say to her that you actually deserve better from you than to expect
for your heart’s healing to come from some dude.
I say to her that it sucks that you were just looking at a list of men who’ve expressed that
modicum of interest known as a swipe right on Bumble
but you disbelieved their interest.
I say to her that you get to have boundaries and maintain them.
I say to her you don’t have to “give it a try anyway” and “be open minded” when you
know that he isn’t your type, in the app, or in real life.
I say to her that it’s OK that you really like the person that you like
even if he appears to not be available.
(But, didn’t he just ask you out?)
I say to her that if you want to complain about who’s available and who’s not,
take a look at your always-at-an-event-or-party-or-class schedule.
Where is the room to date that someone who just asked you out?
I say to her, girl,
The story you’ve been telling yourself about your love life sucks and I wish you
Would stop it with the dolorous storytelling and would accept
That you’ve retold your story about other parts of your life before, and you manifested right in line
With the story you told.
Like how you used to believe you couldn’t be a lawyer
(even with your law degree and on-the-job legal experience!)
but you figured out how to undo that belief by meditating and envisioning yourself as a lawyer.
Like how someone told you that you shouldn’t try working for the government as a lawyer, and started telling yourself she was right, then stopped that story (because you were too busy studying for the bar to care about her story)
and you applied for a few government jobs, telling a story in your cover letters,
and over a decade later,
For whom are you a lawyer? (the City. Freaking New York City).
Like how you used to believe that no one could ever love you enough to even think of marrying you
But you told yourself and your friend that you knew he was coming
And he came and he proposed, and in the midst of the engagement you stopped believing the marriage would happen. And look! It didn’t happen.
(all for the best! but your belief did manifest)
Like how you used to wonder whether you could ever have a friend you’d call your best friend
(Remember that? When you were eleven?)
And that was actually the first limiting belief you ever undid by telling yourself that
Your friends would be the one who knew about you and loved you just the same
And who did you meet or reunite with in your teens?
(The friends who know almost everything to know about you, and still love you the same)
Like when you were twenty-one, a bit older, but still very young
You saw the way you felt about your life,
And told yourself that you deserved better
You told yourself that you loved yourself (and that was a lie)
But you knew you needed to tell a new story then.
You know you need to tell yourself a new story now.
I’d also say to the love-sick-since-six thirty-seven year old who just cried about her love life,
while ignoring the fact that the man she really likes just asked her out:
Patricia, you deserve better.
At the very least, you deserve to tell yourself a better story
And at the very least, you deserve a story that’s actually true
You deserve the story that’s real about the good in your life
And not the amplification of all the diminishing limiting harmful
Stories others imprinted on you.
So it wouldn’t be wrong of me to stop pursuing my love life.
But it’d be better that I wrote the story of the life I am worthy of
To tell myself that my husband and children will know all about me
And love me just the same.
That I am worthy of love, just the same
And keep telling that story – at least to me, maybe to you too.
And keep telling myself the life of my dreams
Until it’s my whole truth.